7 Most Likely Ways Your Idiot Friend Lost Their Phone
A good friend would show you how to find a lost or stolen phone, but a best friend? They’d link you to an article calling you an idiot for losing it (and now here you are). If your friend lost their phone last night, we’re guessing it’s for one of these stupid reasons.
It usually starts with a night on the town…
The Counter Top Tinderer
It’s finally the weekend: party time! They head to the bars and clubs at happy hour to kick things off right. It’s super early, so all those beautiful strangers of the opposite sex haven’t quite arrived. Too sober to strike up a normal conversation, they keep their phone right on the bar rail, Tindering with a 1-mile radius, hoping to find a quick and nearby match without fear of rejection.
Maybe their profile isn’t as cool as they thought, because after 1 drink, 2 drinks, 3 drinks… still no matches (maybe they should try one of the other best dating apps). Suddenly they’re 6 drinks in, they’re paying no attention to the $800 dollar smartphone in front of them at the crowded bar, and some opportunistic punk sneakily swipes it as they strategically close their tab.
They won’t know it until the next day, because all of a sudden their beer goggles are kicking in…
The Social Trusterfly
Now that they’ve got a good buzz going, they’re feeling brave. Striking up conversations, flirting with strangers, and generally just having a great time. The world is a wonderful place. Tinder may have failed, but now that they’ve proven their coolness and made a bunch of new friends, their faith in humanity has been restored.
“Will you watch my drink while I’m gone, my friend?” they ask a random sketchy dude who smells like swiss cheese.
“No problem my friend,” they say, and your friend flutters off to the restroom.
Forget a few feet away, now their phone is in a completely different room, leaving it completely ripe for robbery. If they were smart- they’re lucky. But it’s only a matter of time…
The Toilet Dropper
Finally! The bathroom line was long, but all that matters is they’re zeroeth in line and this is their moment of zen. They whip their phone out (yes, phone- perverts) to make sure they squeeze every moment of FOMO out of their YOLO. But alas, their once sturdy hands have become buttery soft biscuits of slipperiness.
It instant replays in their mind in slow motion, like one of the most ultimate ultimate frisbee catches of all-time. Only they weren’t so lucky (read: talented). It Michael Phelps’d directly into the toilet, leaving them no choice but to go hand fishing for their handset. They successfully reeled their target in, but by the time they brought it on board and tried to boot it up? Dead. Waterlogged. You can try fixing wet phones in rice but this baby is beyond repair.
Your friend should probably consider buying one of the best waterproof phones, but alas, they’ll likely make the same mistake again… and again… and again…. keep the drinks coming.
The Time Traveler
Blacking out is for amateurs. The true heroes of the happy hour hoard are the ones who disregard the hours themselves. Start at 4:30, go hard until 11:30… a couple hours go missing… and then it’s 1:30AM. They didn’t black out: they time traveled.
There is a good chance your friend’s phone was lost in the space time continuum, which Einstein would likely agree is in the middle of the street somewhere after they tripped on cobblestone. If Quinn Malory couldn’t slide back and grab his device, I doubt your friend could either.
It’s unlikely they can retrace their steps if they didn’t follow our tips, but there is always next time. And if their phone still safely resides in their right front pocket, I’m guessing the other one is either throwing up a peace sign or waving down a cab. Who am I kidding? Everyone Ubers these days.
The Uber Dance Partier
They attempted to Tinder, found new friends, peed a pajillion times, planked on the cobblestone road of scientific history, and lived to tell the story. An adventure worthy of celebration!
As everyone stuffs in the Uber, you ask them to turn on your favorite tune and twist the volume dial to 11 million. Mayhem ensues, songs are sung, horns are honked, and you unfortunately arrive at your destination. The Uber driver was too lazy to be a decent human being, so they turn on their hazard lights, park directly in the middle of the street, and give you a glare that says, “Hurry up and get out.”
You do, caring mostly about the nearby drivers that you’ve wronged through the Uber cootie connection, but your friend was too rushed to perform their traditional, “Keys, Wallet, Phone” check. Off goes the Uber with their priceless piece of electronics, never to be seen again.
Every now and then there are good samaritans, though, and let’s pretend on this particular night your Uber driver made sure you took all your belongings and left nothing behind. You’re still not safe from depths of your own house!
The Couch Surfer
There is zero chance they’re going to bed now- and when they do? It won’t be in an actual bed. They’ll probably make spaghetti sandwiches, plunk down on the couch, and watch Chappelle Show reruns until they pass out. Nothing wrong with that! Until they wake up in complete panic.
“Oh my God, what did I do last night? Where did we go? Did I call or text anyone?”
Time to grab the Sheikah Slate of Modern Personal History and see what the hell happened.
“Wait… where is my…” as they feel their pockets.
“Have you seen my, uh? I can’t find my…” as they look under the coffee table.
“F$%##%$#% – I lost my phone!!!!!”
They’ll retrace their steps for hours, only to learn while they discovered the depths of drunkception their smartphone was slipping into the shadows of the sofa. They’ll find their phone eventually, but man… why doesn’t everyone own Tile these days?
They eventually find their phone when one hungover genius decides to call it and “hot-and-colds” the sound of a distant vibration. Super lucky but you wasted a TON of time. Now it’s time to figure out where you left your tab open and thank God you’re not this last guy.
The Penny Pincher
We’ve told you the Best Android Phones money can buy, but we get it: not everyone can afford or cares about the latest and greatest smartphone. That being said, some people pick the cheapest junk possible and wonder why all the problems? There is a reason their battery lasts 3 hours and it’s because they’ve got the worst phone of all-time.
Now their phone could be anywhere: in the couch, refrigerator, garage, Playboy Mansion- anywhere! You would have no easy way of finding it unless you had taken some smart preventative measures.
Tough love is good, so tell these friends to stop slouching, do some research, and either buy phones with the best battery life or in the very least choose one of the best cheap Android phones.
What’s your lost phone story?
If you’ve got to tough through the trauma of losing your best digital friend, hopefully you’ve at least walked away for the story for the ages. You probably landed here because you or your friend lost their phone in some dramatic way, so share with the group- what happened?
And don’t forget to SHARE this post with your IDIOT FRIENDS!