Open Letter To My Verizon Voyager


Well, this is it. This is our last night together. In less than 18 hours I will have my next love affair in my hands. No offense but, do you know how freaking excited I am?!

I can barely contain it!

Sure, we had an alright run. I remember when I first got you. I was so happy, almost overjoyed!


(Me, almost overjoyed.)

Finally I was able to check my email and browse the web on an HTML browser! There was V CAST and a calender and a notepad and an Ez Tip calculator! There was an alarm clock and a (dimming) video camera and games I could download and holy moley, VZ Navigator!  I mean sure, it took me 15 minutes to get to and get logged in but.. I could do it! Sure, checking email sucked, especially if there was anything attached or links within said email but hey.. I at least knew if I had something waiting! Right? And the calender. Awesome! I could add events that I could then lose completely every time my phone had to get replaced! Which was rockin’. BitPim tried to help but.. I’m too lazy for all that. Threesomes can get complicated anyway.

Did I mention I had to get you replaced a lot? Five times at least? Six? Seven? I don’t remember. But that’s what happens when we fight, baby. You get replaced. I’ll take none of that craziness. Trade you out when you’re bad.  So that’s what we did. So much so that I gave up on calender events and games and ringtones. Reloading calender events was a pain and re-downloading things and then having to call VZW and argue about it over and over to hopefully get reimbursed was an even bigger pain.

Suddenly, I was no longer quite as happy. In fact I became downright mad.


(Me, downright mad.)

Shh, don’t tell you but.. Secretly I couldn’t wait to break up. But I’m one of those guys that just can’t be alone, you know? I couldn’t just go solo. I needed a suitable replacement first. I’ll admit it – I was using you.

And then along she came. I took notice. At first I thought “no way”. She’s one of those hotties that you just can’t have. Way out of your league. And long distance relationships – they just don’t work! Not for me anyway. I could flirt from afar but that was it. But now. Now! She’s opened her arms wide. She’s available and willing. Oh lucky day!

It was love at first sight. And second. And 50th. I’ve spent day after day.. night after night.. watching videos and drooling at pictures galore. I feel like we’ve known each other forever. There is no denying it. We’re meant to be. Soul mates.


…My calender syncing won’t be  a problem, bad phones or not. Downloaded apps will stay mine. Tons. Free ones. I’ll have a device that can record a video that’s NOT limited to tiny sizes and time constraints all while dimming to something unbearable in all but the greatest of light. I’ll be able to actually *use* my email and… oh forget it. I could go on and on but you don’t wanna hear it.  You’re probably not even listening. Hey, look at me when I’m talking to you.

So this is it. Enjoy your last night with a companion. At least with me. What will happen to you, you ask? I haven’t decided. Your fate is unknown. Will I sell you off? Maybe. It’d help fund my newest adventure. Will I smash you into tiny bits? I dunno but that’d sure as hell be more fun! Either way.. at least I’m not breaking up with you through a text message, right?

Peace, suckafish.


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  1. i got teary eyed

  2. omg! I love this! Its the relationship I have with my lg scoop.. I had high hopes of shooting it then burning it but a friend needs a temporary phone so my scoop is soon going bye bye! I cant wait and I am elated that my next phone will be a match made in heaven for me :) Goodbye old crappy ass phones.. your death is my pleasure.

  3. I find this post quite relevant.

    And no, phases didn’t ask me to post this on IRC.

  4. Awww…funny stuff. GOOD RIDDANCE! ;)

  5. Bye bye Samsung Hue! Oh wait, I’ll be ordering online to get instant rebate, so I can’t say that until early next week. Oh well, I’ve been waiting for months. What’s a few more days? ^_^

  6. you write for phandroid but you didn’t have a android phone?? Not sure I get that but hey I’m glad for you.

  7. My favorite part:

    Shh, don’t tell you but.. Secretly I couldn’t wait to break up. But I’m one of those guys that just can’t be alone, you know? I couldn’t just go solo. I needed a suitable replacement first. I’ll admit it – I was using you.
    And then along she came. I took notice. At first I thought “no way”. She’s one of those hotties that you just can’t have. Way out of your league. And long distance relationships – they just don’t work! Not for me anyway. I could flirt from afar but that was it. But now. Now! She’s opened her arms wide. She’s available and willing. Oh lucky day!

  8. mj@ I see you haven’t listened to our past couple podcasts. ;) Nope, We’ve been waiting for our VZW contract to end and funny enough, it ends in a few days. And low and behold, VZW takes on Android!

  9. Haha, this is exactly the talk I’m going to have with my Voyager later tonight. This was great.

  10. nice! grats! is that VA1 in the background!?

  11. How funny. I’m ditching my Voyager for the Droid, too. Was a decent phone, but never anything spectacular.

  12. Oh LG Env, how I miss you. You were Orange, and tough, and easy to text on. I admit my infatuation was skin deep though – your personality, including Vcast, Verizon menus, and worst of all how much of a pain it was to put music on your memory, did put me off. But oh, the keyboard! But, you had to go and get dropped into a toilet.

    Insurance said they only had the Env2.

    Env2, I’m going to come out and say it. I HATE YOU. The way you dial random contact numbers – when I’m asleep. The crappy camera. While your keyboard is handy for texting, if I didn’t need you for phone calls I would throw you into my wood burning stove. And, you are UGLY to top it off.

    I’m glad to say, I’m breaking up with you. I’ve found a newer, prettier, smarter, and much more fun companion. I’m mail ordering my Droid tonight. And I can’t wait till I can take a hammer to you Env2!

  13. pretty much sums up the last two years i have spent with my lg voyager. amazing keyboard but thats about all i really enjoyed about it.

  14. I got my Voyager 1 year and 11 months ago, and for the last 1 year and 10 months I have been waiting to replace it. Tomorrow at 9am, I will have my new Driod, I am so stoked!!

  15. I am so happy I cant wait, last night Verizon moved my update date to the 4th of November so I could update my phone without paying full price or canceling contract and singing new one, or adding line and getting it that way. That made my day, and tomorrow will be even better.

  16. Funny – The Voyager the 1st IPhone killer, didn’t really kill anything ‘cept my wallet, then I found Win-Mo, and it was more of a killer than the Voyager, and now I have Android… And soon I will have the Xpeira X10. I have wondering eyes.

  17. Cloying.

  18. YOu Voyager guys are lucky, I’ve been limping along with the admittedly girl named LG Venus for the last two years.

  19. I feel exactly the same way…I’ll be putting my Voyager up on a shelf or give away to some charity for someone else to love too…I loved this/that phone :-)

  20. i going thru the same as most of you im having to say good bye to my lg dare and its realy hard but i know theres a droid at the end of tunel waiting for me

  21. Sporting the Motorola Q. Time for an upgrade.

  22. Leaving love affair with BlackBerry behind. I too wrote an open letter like this to my Curve when I moved on to the Storm then Tour. Too funny.

    Bye bye, BlackBerry. Hello, Moto. Droid.

  23. Hilarious. I’ll be breaking up with my whore LG Dare tommorow. I was loyal to LG. Until I bought that crap.

  24. My back up phone has all of your phones beat. haha, its the original unlocked palm treo that i’ve been using since i sold my G1=== RIP :,( === which i will use to buy my Droid tomorrow. : D i’m so excited, im so done with this feo treo and ready to move on and step up my game and score with the DROID.

  25. ive used nothing but a blackberry for the past 3 years. ive even used almost every model since the monochrome screen 6510. i dont care if i go through withdraws i have a droid ordered and will be using it Monday. i havent been this excited for a phone since the 8330.

  26. As some on my 4th Voyager myself, tomorrow cannot come soon enough!!!
    VOYAGER 1 – The keyboard backlight didn’t work day 1. I didn’t realize it for a month until I saw someone else’s Voyager. Total use 2 month.
    VOYAGER 2 – Charger port broke. It would not charge unless I physically held the charger in. Total use 9 months.
    VOYAGER 3 – Had a short so it acted like a headphone was plugged = no sound at all except for ringers. Total us 1 month
    VOYAGER 4 – Same as VOYAGER 3 except I noticed that there was a loose wire in the charging port. I moved the wire and it then work but now my battery life (with a brand new extended life battery) is so horrible that I cannot make it through a day without it dying. Total us 13 months.
    It is also amazing how quickly the foil bezel starts to flake off and make the phone look horible.
    I all the Voyager hate I will give it one thing. It has the best keyboard that I have used on any phone. I had the original LG V. I thought that was a more durable phone. Bulky as heck but very durable. I still have it as my emergency backup in case my Voyager dies…which it eventually will.
    I am now ready, willing and able to feast at the Android house of goodness!!! =)

  27. i so agree w/ this. i love the keyboard on my voyager and i know that i’ll miss her for that, but i’ve gotta upgrade when the opportunity is there. i’m passing her on to a friend who is currently is stuck w/ who knows what.

  28. haha. Have to agree… I will be having the same exact talk with my Voyager tonight… then HELLO DROID!

  29. I have the HTC touch pro It has been the longest month of my life waiting for the droid and praying it was launched before I was past my 30 and had to settle for a lesser phone. My husband is so jealous lol he is past his 30

  30. Yeah, you’ll like the honeymoon with your new love companion — until you see the DROID’s flaws:

    — Slow CPU (600MHz throttled to 550MHz to save battery life, barely faster than the 528MHz CPU in the G1 (which is throttled to 350MHz but doesn’t cause the phone to feel any faster if you uncap the speed with cyanogenmod))

    — Only 256MB RAM (are you kidding??) — wait until all your nice map overlays are automatically turned off by Google Maps because you’re running out of memory…

    — Small battery (1400MAh)

    — No 4G speeds (VZ is releasing LTE in Q1/2010 in at least two cities (Boston and Seattle), with all the other major cities to follow soon thereafter — shame you’ll be on a 2 year contract)

  31. “The biggest human failing is that we trade what we want most for what we want now” — wait for a 1GHz Snapdragon-powered phone with 1GB of RAM, a physical keyboard, a bigger battery and 4G LTE capability. Shouldn’t be more than 4 months or so to wait.

  32. I think I’ll have to have a similar convo with my Voyager tonight. Can’t wait til the morning!

  33. @Luke
    It’s been said many times before that the CPU architecture in the Droid is vastly different from previous CPUs even at the same clock speed. Clock speed is not everything.

    No professional reviewers seem to say the memory is an issue. And aren’t Android apps like 1MB or less on average anyways? I also hear they’re working on Apps2SD, so this will all be a moot point.

    Who cares if the battery is small when users are reporting relatively good battery life. It could be worse. It could be a 1100MAh battery.

    Nobody has a competing device that has 4G, so what’s the point. 4G in most areas has a long ways to go. In 2 years, it’ll be ready for prime time. Also, you can sign a 1-yr contract with Verizon is 2 if too long.

    Something new is always around the corner, so don’t keep waiting for tomorrow because you’ll keep missing out on today.


  35. I’m having that talk with my Voyager tonight too… poor baby has no more silver on it, she’s looking really beat. Time to retire. Hello Droid!

  36. @jimbobwey Funny thing is that when I put my Q on the charger I thought … Last time you steaming dump!

    Think I’m going to go Office Space “printer” on it this weekend.

    Nah, probably do the factory wipe reset and donate to one of those orgs that set them up for the troops. Hey, taxwise it was a $500.00 phone!

  37. For me, I’ll be parting with a Razr. She was always reliable and hot in her day. However she’s gotten old, drained down. Barely able to stay awake more than a day. She has no frills and the new models…well, they’re just too hot to pass up. Sure, there will be more down the road, but I need to use one of these new hotties now! ** 11.06.09 **

  38. 4 more hours! 4 more hours! 4 more hours! 4 more hours! 4 more hours! 4 more hours! 4 more hours! 4 more hours! 4 more hours! 4 more hours! 4 more hours! 4 more hours! 4 more hours! 4 more hours! 4 more hours! 4 more hours! 4 more hours! 4 more hours! 4 more hours! 4 more hours! 4 more hours! 4 more hours! 4 more hours! 4 more hours! 4 more hours! 4 more hours! 4 more hours! 4 more hours! 4 more hours! 4 more hours! 4 more hours! 4 more hours! 4 more hours! 4 more hours! 4 more hours! 4 more hours!

  39. You’re doing the right thing Talton… BTW do you feel that sudden “release”… The only way I can describe it is FREEDOM!!!!!

  40. @Vincent Mac

    Excellent reply to Luke. ;-) One can always wait for something better. In fact, one can wait forever…

  41. @vincent
    see i used to also wonder why people were complaining about the limited memory for apps. seriously, all the apps are less than 1MB. but then i realized…if there was more memory on the phone, the developers would be able to make larger, better apps. so i do believe thats why there are complaints. and also, i do think that luke was talking about RAM, which is different from the memory you are referring to.

  42. My enV has been a loyal companion but i snuck off to Best Buy last week so tomorrow is DROID DAY.

  43. Yeah, I’m swapping out a Voyager I’ve had for 16 months’ tomorrow.

    I haven’t really had any problems with my Voyager, actually like it alot, but its going to be nice have such a richly featured phone as the Droid!!!

    Can’t wait!!!

  44. first off i loved this, really takes me back. I have the Voyager as well, since the day it came out. it was awesome at the time and has served its purpose well as being the best full keyboard i have ever used to this day, and it will probably still trump my new Droid’s keyboard. But you all must have basd luck or treat your phones really bad, i have only had 2 voyagers in 2 years. my first one lasted 14 months without a hitch until it drowned in beer one night and actually it came back to life before my replacement arrived! and this one is still kickin. neither have had any problems holding together cosmetically, any more than any other phone. it chips when it hits concrete though……

  45. That is what i told my LG Venus….on my 2nd…my husband on his 4th…will HAPPILY be getting rid of them promptly at 10am with no rebate and no activation fee :) WOOT!!

  46. 2 more hours ppl

  47. My store is taking names at 6, and opening at 7. Letting people in at groups of 20 at a time. I’ll be there. Very excited!

  48. goodbye LG Dare. its been real.

  49. Taiton, that’s some funny shizit ! Thanks for the laughs . And, I’m joining you as a Droid owner tomorrow as well. Rock on …

  50. Remember Remember the Fifth of November… That will soon be changed to the sixth.

  51. The Droid is now available online. Of course it is not available to me when I am trying to upgrade even though my line is eligible for an early upgrade and I called to confirm that I would be able to order it online with 2 year contract pricing. Now I am mad.

  52. Same here. It looks as though if you don’t already have a data plan on your account you won’t be able to upgrade using new every two on the web site. I’m guessing this can be taken care of at the store. I think if the employee adds the data plan to your account then you should be able to use new every two. I’m guessing all of this, I don’t work for VZW.

  53. I don’t think so because it will let me upgrade to other smart phones and Blackberry’s, all of which require a data plan. I guess I will figure it out tomorrow. Hope they don’t go on backorder or something before I get one reserved.

  54. I feel the pain and sorry also. After two years with my Samsung SCH-i760 (try telling ppl that is the name of your phone…) I am ready for a change. Three replacements, Random memory card wipes, “deep sleep” random “thinking” when nothing is going on, I just can’t trust you to work right anymore. Good bye i760, hello Dorid!

  55. “Only 256MB RAM (are you kidding??)”

    Droid has -significantly- more memory available than the G1 or myTouch. It’s more than just the additional 64MB from their 192MB — the hardware architecture allows much more of the RAM to be used by the platform.

    For perspective, on a G1/myTouch, we’ll have memory for maybe 3-4 extra background processes. On Droid there is easily 13 or more background processes sitting around.

    Also Droid introduces a new memory class, since it is a higher resolution (thus more memory needed for graphics) with more RAM, giving 24MB to each application instead of the traditional 16MB. So it makes no sense to talk about “map overlays automatically turned off.” I don’t think maps even does that, and any way you look at it the app will have more memory available on Droid.

  56. I’m an LG Dare user, and I approve this message.

  57. American LG phones really look like crap…

  58. I dumped my Voyager this morning too. It seemed like such a good idea when I got it. Fortunately, I never had to get it replaced, but it liked to shut down and reboot at random and the screen was going weird. It can sit and collect dust with my other two old phones.

  59. Proud upgrader – moved to the DROID from a slightly beaten, Stylus-lacking palm Centro from last May. I finagled with them to let me use my brother’s upgrade time (and he got the centro in return, which he wanted more than his RAZR).

    All in all, a good morning. Unfortunately, my battery’s dead right now.

  60. I loved it! I actually was the same way! Got the Voyager the first day it came out and finally moved on today! Greatest day!

  61. I just got my LG Dare early this year. This sucks, I so want the Dare. :( I heard that if you have to exchange your phone more than three times in three months, you get a new phone. Sucks that it’s a random phone that’s similar to your current phone. I would have wanted to exchange my Dare for the Droid. :'(

  62. I feel ya… I’m making the exact same move you are. The Droid is soooo frik’n awesome. I’ve been waiting soooo long to get rid of my voyager. After about 5mins with the Droid I totally forgot that I’ve ever owned another phone.

  63. I have a Voyager as well. I went to Verizon to upgrade, but I would have to pay over $550 for the Droid. Oh well, I must wait a little longer to get rid of my Voyager.

  64. I feel like i could have wrote this article. Same exact shoes as this guy. Drooling over the droid for months, got it the day i came out, but couldnt wait to get rid of my voyager. now it sits in my room, soulless.

  65. Now That I have the Droid the one only thing I miss about my old phone is “Uncaught exception: java.lang.Error”

  66. Say what you want about yer old lady, but that new squeeze can’t hold a candle to the Voyager’s keyboard. Especially when her own is nothing more than some tawdry, slapdash affair of scored vinyl and cheap gold highlights. And when you finger that camera button, go easy. It just might fall off.

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